Tuesday, March 1, 2011

Teachable Spirit

Blogging is such a foreign concept to me.  I have no idea who is going to read this and what they will think (and I hate that).  I have no idea what people reading this will find interesting.  I often wonder if my life is even interesting enough for the “public,” (I put public in quotes because again, who is reading this?  It may just be my family, hi mom!).  People keep tell me I should be writing this for myself so I have sort of “journal” of my year, but if I am completely honest with myself, I won’t do it for myself because I have no desire to share my thoughts, struggles and joys in this way.  Then I think maybe I should do it for my supporters, people supporting me financially and through prayer, but again I would much rather share with them privately.  So, why am I still led to write this blog?  My answer to that question and my prayer is that God speaks to someone through it.  I am not sure how, but I will leave that to God.  That being said, blogging is such a foreign concept to me!  I would love suggestions of what you want to hear and what you don’t want to hear.  I know my title of my blog is cheesy, so any suggestions for that also be would be great.

I have been in Freetown for about three weeks now and am excited to tell you all about it, but feel that I should back up several weeks.  Before serving with Mercy Ships for a year, I was required to attend a five week training session called Gateway in Texas.  Before I left for Sierra Leone I wrote out a blog telling you exactly what I did, but before I could finish realized how completely uninteresting it was and as you can see below I wasn’t exactly fascinated with everything being taught.  Don’t get me wrong those five weeks were significant to me, but still I couldn’t figure out how to express it.  After I left Texas, God really laid on my heart to share the poem I wrote during gateway, but internet and well power in general has been sparse in Freetown so I have only been able to put this up now.  Now some of you who know me well might have been thinking, poem?!  Cassidy does not write poems, and you would be absolutely right.  But in this case we were asked to share an “aha” moment in a creative way with the group and uninspired to do anything really creative I did a haiku.

I came to Gateway very disappointed with myself.  I had been working the past six years towards medical school.  After graduation I had planned on taking the MCATs (entrance exams for medical school), finishing my application, and then hopefully getting accepted to a school.  But, after graduation I had this sort of motivation fog come over me and could not bring myself to study for my exam.  I felt as if I had climbed 95% of the mountain and all that that was left to reach the top was a small hill, but I could not do it.  I told my sister this and she said my hill was more like a sheer cliff, which is partly true and made me laugh.  Also mixed with my anxiety over the MCATs was this incredible desire to serve God in a major way; to not just be in school serving myself, but in the world serving others.  During that time I discovered that I was accepted to Mercy Ships, not in the original position I had applied for, but as a receptionist.  This gave me very mixed feelings.  On the one hand I was very excited to be moving to Sierra Leone and finally working with the same passion and vision as my own, and on the other hand this was not the role I saw myself serving in.  Still I had this draw to put aside medical school and go to Sierra Leone.  This decision has been continually challenged, probably most significantly in Texas.  As we spent a week on classes about working with the poor, God gave me my answer.

Teachable Spirit

Lord I am crying,
crying to you, teach me!
What am I to learn?

I heard your call.
I know you have called me here,
but still I ask why?

Lord why am I here?
What purpose have you designed?
I need an answer!

The path I was once on;
I was focused on a goal,
but this has faded.

Lord, the people here,
everyone has a reason,
and I still ask why?

All you say is, Listen!
but, Lord! What am I to hear?
Again you say to listen.

I do not understand.
You are telling me nothing.
Then you say to learn.

What am I to learn!
God, you have told me nothing!
“Just listen and learn.”

Suddenly it clicks!
Lord! the reason I am here…
to listen and learn.

My path is not new!
The goal has not differed.
My will is the same.

Lord, what you request,
is for me to take a breath,
and listen and learn

Okay, not the world’s greatest poet, but I hope it expresses what I was feeling.  Serving the poor is a passion of mine, but I have absolutely no idea how to do that.  I have come to that realization even more living here in Freetown.  The people here have such a painful history; slave trade, civil war, natural resource exploitation, the list goes on.  I find myself asking; who am I to be the one to serve these people?  How am I to relate to them?  How am I to know the needs of these people?  How are we to bring real transformation?  This year may not bring answers to all these questions, but I know it will better equip me to serve in the future, if that is as a medical doctor or not.

I realize that this post maybe completely unsatisfying considered I have been in Freetown for three weeks and am now living on the ship, but I promise I have already started on my next update.


  1. Cassidy, I have loved every single thing you have written. Don't second guess yourself so much, silly girl. The Holy Spirit is indeed leading you. I also loved your poem! Truly. It conveyed your heart's longing in a beautiful way. I will be praying for you as the Spirit leads. I am blessed by you! You will like this - Keaton has been hearing God's voice leading him in powerful ways lately and he just told me two days ago that he wants to go on the Mexico Mission trip with the youth group this summer. Glory to God for you and for him and for all the youth around me that are following close to Jesus! Keep writing, dear one. I for one am reading. :) Love u, Jax
    Romans 15:13

  2. Cassidy, I love what you wrote. It comes from your heart and that's worth reading. I think your poem expresses your confusion really well. And it sounds like you are listening and learning. Keep writing. Your journey IS an adventure and it's interesting to hear about it. Sounds to me like you're doing what you should be doing at this point in your life. Plus it's an adventure I'll never do, so it's good to see it through your eyes.

  3. Cassidy today I went back and reread you blog in hopes that I could have a small peice of my daughter today. I thank you for writing because there are days in a mother's life that she just needs to hear from her daughter. I can imagine how God feels when the world separats his daughters from him. Unfortunately you've inherited the "what do I have to say that can make a difference" concept. I have said this many many times. Well,this is probably true if you are not listening and obeying God but this is not the case with you. Remember you are his feet and hands to these people. I miss you much but I am happy that my most treasured possession has been given to these people. Please write more often because your words are important. Love Mom

  4. Hey sorry it has taken me so long to respond, but I really do appreciate all of your encouraging comments! (Jax, that is so exciting for Keaton! Mexico is definitely where God put the passion in my heart, I will be praying for him.)